try.

Namimiss ko nang maging halimaw.

Iyan yung bigla kong naisip habang nagtitimpla ng kape nung nakaraang linggo. Nung nakaraang linggo pa yun, pero hanggang ngayon, di ko pa rin malimutan.

Sabi nila, minsan lang magsalita ang "soul" ng tao. Pakiramdam ko, espiritu ko yung narinig kong nagsasalita ng mga linyang iyon. Hanggang ngayon, nababagabag pa rin ako. Sa kabilang banda, iniisip kong hindi na maayos ang daloy ng mga ideya sa isip ko kaya kung anu-ano na lang ang sinasabi ko. Pero sa isang banda, alam ko sa sarili kong totoo ang sinasabi ng "soul" ko.

Napamessage nga ko sa isa kong malapit na kaibigan dati. Pero sa palitan namin ng mensahe, hindi ko nasabi ang gusto ko talagang sabihin, na "Namimiss ko nang maging halimaw." Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit. Basta parang may pumigil lang sa akin.

Pa-alon-alon pa rin sa karagatan ng isip ko ang linyang iyon.

Kailan kaya babalik ang pagkahalimaw ko?

-h

Today, I return

Today, I return to writing. I welcome myself back to my first love.
But this time, I am a new person. Months, and even years ago, I wrote on this as a woman uncertain of what to be and who to become. I am still uncertain of so many things now. Yet, this time, I just want to type the words I hear and feel on and on as if they were really meant to be read sometime by me or by someone I don't know.

I don't know how the words will ring in someone else's mind. But I have to let my fingers utter them, so I can rest my own hustling mind.

A new mother's brain, they say, tends to be forgetful and cluttered. And so? It is still a brain. And perhaps, something could be glimpsed from my end. It is not so easy to be a different person now. To be a mom, after having been on my own for 28 years is a magical, almost fantastical experience. I never thought that the real world could be this--- inexplicably incapable of being understood. How can the same body be different persons all at once?

Motherhood gives me a different persona. Yet I am still this.

And I still want to write.

-h

If Only

"If only I could turn back the hands of time, I would have been a wiser person."

Iyan ang sinabi ni Lola sakin nung minsang nagkwentuhan kami sa kwarto namin. Tinukoy niya ang pagiging sobrang bukas niya pagdating sa pera sa kanyang mga anak, dahilan kung bakit ngayon ay wala siya ni isang kusing sa kanyang bulsa.

Noong malakas pa ang Lola, napakasipag niyang mananahi. Bawat damit na dumadaan sa kanyang makina ay nagiging obra maestra niya. Kilala siya sa kanilang tailoring shop sa Miriam bilang 'Nang Gie.' Malapit siya sa kanilang mga supervisors dahil sa angking galing niya. Kasabay niyon syempre ay ang bilis ng pagpasok ng pera kay Lola.

Kung anong bilis kumita ni Lola, ay siyang bilis naman niyang gumastos. Bigay dito, bigay doon sa mga anak niyang babae na may mga sarili ng pamilya. Ayon sa kanya, mali daw pala iyon. Dapat nagtira rin siya sa kanyang sarili. Ngayon tuloy na matanda na siya ay wala man lang madukot ni singko tuwing nagkakasakit siya.

Bilang isang baguhan sa mundo ng mga manggagawa, tumatak sa isip ko ang mensaheng iyon ni Lola. Kailangang magtipid.

"Spend a little less than what you earn," dagdag pa ni Lola.

Inilapat ko ang leksyong iyon sa buhay ko. Nagpapasalamat ako sa Diyos dahil kuripot ako pagdating sa sarili ko. Ayokong bumili ng mga bagay na di ikasusulit ng pera. Kung gagastos man ako, sisiguraduhin kong investment ang pupuntahan ng pera ko. Tulad ng pag-aaral ng mga kapatid ko. Kahit gusto kong bumili ng libro tuwing sweldo, pipigilan ko ang sarili ko. Iniisip ko palagi ang mga mas mahalagang bagay tulad ng kinabukasan.

Mahirap ang buhay sa ngayon. Lalo na siguro bukas kung magwawaldas ako ngayon. Kaya dapat magtipid at mag-ipon. Tama si Lola, dapat isipin ko rin ang bukas. Mali ang magpasanay sa mga tao na palagi kang mayroon dahil matututo silang umasa. Tulad ng ilan sa mga anak ng Lola, naghihikahos sila ngayong wala nang hanapbuhay ang kanilang ina. Nahihirapan silang magpatuloy.

Ang bawat tao sa ating buhay ay isang buhay na leksyon.

Marami nang naituro sa akin ang Lola.

I must go back to life

Go back to writing
Go back to reading
Go back to learning
Go back to walking
Go back to singing
Go back to me.

Pagbabalik

Nagbabago na ang mundo ko, sa paraang, oo, gusto ko. Didiretsuhin ko na. Iba ang buhay may-relasyon. Ang dami kong napapatunayan. Ang dami kong nadidiskubre.

Totoo pala talaga ang roller-coaster ride.  Minsan ang saya-saya. Minsan, nakakairita. Totoo palang parang drugs ang pag-ibig. Minsan nakaka-high, minsan nakakadepress.

RELAtibo pala ang lahat ng bagay sa isang relasyon, kaya siguro tinawag siyang RELAsyon una sa lahat. Nasa dalawang taong nasa relasyon kung paano nila iguguhit ang kanilang mundo. Walang pormula o anuman. Mananalig ka na lang sa Diyos na sana sapat ang pag-ibig ninyo sa isa't-isa para magpatuloy ang inyong pagpipinta.

-h

Roller Coaster

Ang buhay-pag-ibig pala parang pagsakay sa roller coaster, nakakahilo. May taas-baba, may liku-liko. Gusto ko nang bumaba sa byahe, pero nakakadena ang mga paa ko. Mahigpit pala kung kumapit ang puso.

-h

Sa isang tanong
napapalawig ko ang totoo
hanggang sa maging peke.
Magaling akong magsinungaling.
Palibahasa, di ka marunong magtanong.

-h

Ingay

Kurot.
Paglawig ng linya palayo.
Paglapit muli.
Hampas sa batok
Distansyang lumiliit sa bawat kislot.
Hawak.
Mas masarap kang katabi.
Kahit na kalahati ng panahon nag-aaway lang tayo.
Mas gusto ko pa rin ang ingay na gawa ng mga pag-aasaran natin
Kaysa ang katahimikang dala ng pagwawalang-bahala
Hindi ko man sabihin
alam kong alam mong
natatahimik ang puso ko
sa ingay nating dalawa.

-h

Fall in love, and stay in love

Nothing is more practical than
finding God, than
falling in Love
in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.
It will decide
what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you do with your evenings,
how you spend your weekends,
what you read, whom you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in Love, stay in love,
and it will decide everything.

-Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ

This line from me

I had a conversation with Mama while walking along San Isidro road in Libmanan, Camarines Sur last Wednesday. We landed on the issue of my cousins who got married with the wrong people (by wrong people, I mean those who are lazy and wouldn’t want to lift a finger in order to set their lives straight, and who in the process end up as burdens to my beloved cousins) or for the wrong reasons (by wrong reasons, I mean, those who married because they got pregnant or impregnated someone). The exchange went from something very factual to opinionated. 

I recall blabbering this line: I believe naman that love can sometimes be blind. Ok na ko sa love is blind, ‘wag lang love is crazy at love is stupid. I can’t take that. I’d rather be single for the rest of my life if I’d get a stupid man for a husband.

In my peripheral view, I think I saw Mama smiled.

-h

It is better to lose a few battles in order to fight for your dreams

A man was in a bar with his group, when an old friend entered. He had lived his life trying to go down the right path, but to no avail. “I should give him some money”, he thought to himself.

But the friend was now rich, and came to the bar that night just to pay all the debts he had incurred over the years. In addition to repaying the loans given to him, he ordered a round of drinks for everyone.

When asked how he had become so successful, he replied, that until days ago he was living as the “Other”.

“What is the Other?” asked Pilar.

“The Other believes that the obligation of man is to spend a lifetime thinking about how to have security so not to die of hunger when getting old. Therefore, living as the Other you fail to discover that Life also has plans, and they may be different.”

“But there is danger. And there is suffering”, the people said in the bar, who had begun to listen.

“No one escapes the suffering. So it is better to lose a few battles in order to fight for your dreams, then to be defeated without even knowing what you are fighting for. When I discovered this, I woke up determined to be what I always really wanted to be. The Other stood there in my room watching.
Although it sought to scare me sometimes, I did not allow it to return. From the moment I pushed the Other out of my life, the divine energy worked its miracles.”

in Paulo Coelho's book “By the river Piedra I sat down and wept”

Your love should never be offered

by Hafez

Love sometimes wants to do us a great favor: hold us upside down and shake all the nonsense out.

Your love
Should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger,
Only to someone who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you.

Stay close to any sounds that make you glad you are alive.

Ever since happiness heard your name, it has been running through the streets trying to find you.
I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in the darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.

There are different wells within your heart.
Some fill with each good rain,
Others are far too deep for that

Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions.

Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, “You owe me”

There is no pleasure without a tincture of bitterness.

Kaya mahal ko si Ebe

Kasi nilalapatan niya ng musika ang istorya ng buhay ko sa partikular na panahon. Nagsimula ko siyang makilala noong ako'y nasa kolehiyo sa UP. Sugarfree ang tugtog ng buhay-kolehiyo ko. Sila rin ang tugtog ng buhay-pag-ibig ko, noon, hanggang ngayon. At kahit wala na ang banda, buo pa rin ang musika sa tulong ni Ebe.

Tinutulungan ako ni Ebeng umawit sa gitna ng ulan.

power

“I kind of define power now by having the confidence to make your own decisions and not be swayed by other people. And be brave and fearless to know that even if you do make a wrong decision, you made it for a good reason.”
— Adele, photoshoot for Vogue, 2012

Honestly, I don't know if letting you go was a right or wrong decision for me. I was never given the chance to decide before I committed the act. The circumstances stopped me from weighing the pros and cons. You did not give me the luxury of time. You did not tell me you were leaving.

I'm not writing this because I want you to know about how I am thinking right now. That is the least of my concerns. I'm writing this because I want myself to know that it's fine if I made some life-changing actions without having thought about it. I'm writing this because I want to tell myself that it's ok to have risked letting go without actually knowing why. 

I have no idea if somewhere along I'd find out the answers. But one thing is sure,this life can't wait. I, too, have my own journey to continue.

But in case, just in case, you know, I won't be too far yet.

Reading signs

I used to think that God spoke to me through signs. For a long time in my life, I believed that He communicated with me through things and symbols. Pachelbel canon rang in the forthcoming connections with my first love, floods in my dreams connoted a problem in the family, disrupted schedules of activities with a special someone meant not-for-each-other, disinterest to show up to an event meant something wrong is going to happen, etc. etc.-- assumptions which, in retrospect, proved to be right.

But somewhere along my journey, I have gradually lost touch with my sign-reading capacity in certain important areas of life. 

While reading today's gospel, I felt that indeed, I now have difficulty decoding signs. Sometimes, God is already shouting His message to me, but I have gone deaf to them. These days, I tend to think about things my own way, relishing the new-found independence I've gotten from being a young professional. I have forgotten about my focal point-- His Love. Fear of rejection, fear of being out-of-control, fears conjured from bitter experiences all the more make me lose focus,  hence, my losing of the gift of reading signs from my Father. Something got me blinded-- myself.

And knowing this, from this point onward, I'll try to mend my blinded eyes by clearing away pride, fears, and false courage. I recognize that alone, I cannot make it. And that I have a Father God.

Two kids crossed the street this morning

They were holding hands. In my normal Ate mode, I would have freaked out at the fact that they're walking the street unguarded by their parents. But no, at that moment, what captured my unguarded attention was that those toddlers were holding hands while crossing the street, walking along with a number of strangers, including me.

The scenery evoked a smile on my lips, triggering an old memory.

I was in college then, homeward bound after a morning class. As I was walking along, I saw a very old couple, they seemed like they're already on their 90s, with their crooked spines, crossing the street, holding each other's hand as they trod the pavement with their trembling knees. For a while, my world halted to take a longer look at the beautiful , rather magical, scene in front of me. In that few minutes of watching the old couple walk from one side of the road to the other, a dream was born.

And that happened also, days before Valentine's.

Just because

There are words that I say just because.

Like I feel cold right now, it must be the aircon in my room.

There are words that I write because they're meant to be read.

Like yesterday, I spent time with great young people

and realized that each youth has a reservoir of power within her, waiting to be tapped.

There are words that I can't say just because saying them gives them life.

Like I know that I can't bring back time, only memory

which also is bound to leave

There are words that are just born, they can't stand by themselves.

Like I miss you.

-h

--

In the mode of missing old friends. See, I'm not really a good friend-keeper. Just today, I got a call from my close girl-friend. We were supposed to meet and catch up tonight, but then my bad, I forgot to tell her earlier that I have a meeting scheduled tonight. So I ended up pleading (for the nth time) to move our dinner to another date. Priorities. I know my relationships are more important than the tasks I have in this world. But then, this forgetful mind of mine. I feel so guilty. I know if I continue walking along this line of prioritizing tasks over people, I'd be alone in the end. Urgh, Hilda! Wake up, sleepy head! T_T


--
Saw this in my file storage:


Sa(d)yang tinanggihan ko ang alok mo
Noon sa Bao Park
Kung iba ang sinabi ko
Nadagdagan sana (nga) ang kaunting mga sandali
Ng Burger McDo at French Fries
Ng mahabang lakaran at tawanan
Papunta sa boarding house ko
Kung saan naghihintay ang dilaw na sofa

Sa(d)yang nanaig ang pride ko
Kaya di ko na natikman ang kakaibang lasa
Ng fried lumpia ng Jollibee
Kapag kasabay kitang ngumunguya

Sa(d)yang kinabig ko na parang isang baso
Ng Regular Coke ng McDo
ang sa(d)yang dala sana ng
Kaunting mga saglit.

-h, Sa(d)ya
19 April 2011

Mag-asawa ka, ne

Ngayon ko lang ulit nakausap si Lola nang matagal. Naging sobrang hectic ang mga araw ko na hindi ko na siya halos nakakausap. Noong estudyante pa ako, tuwing hapon, kung wala akong inaaral, kinakausap ko si Lola. Ang bawat session kasama siya ay isang uri rin ng pagkatuto.

Ngayong bago mag-dapit-hapon, sabi niya sa'kin, "Mag-asawa ka, ne." Nag-umpisa 'yun nang sabihin kong ang dami kong pamangkin. Ang dami kong pwedeng alagaan. Akala siguro niya balak ko na talagang maging taga-alaga. Sabi niya mabuti raw ang may sariling anak dahil galing sa iyo yun, sariling dugo at laman. "Galing sa puso mo."

Gusto ko naman talagang mag-anak. Gusto ko naman talagang mag-asawa. "Lola, gusto ko pong magpamilya pero hindi pa ngayon." Sabi niya kaya ko na raw. Sabi ko oo, kaya ko, pero kelangan ko munang buuhin ang sarili ko. Pakiramdam ko ang dami ko pang gustong gawin na di ko magagawa kung magkaanak na ko. Gusto ko kapag nagkaanak na ko, sa kanya na lang umiikot ang mga pangarap ko. Magagawa ko yun kung tapos ko nang paikutin ang sarili ko sa sarili kong mga pangarap. Gusto ko buo ako kapag nagbuo ako ng sariling pamilya. Idealistic akong tao, oo, sa maraming aspekto. Siguro dahil lumaki ako sa hindi magagandang realidad ng buhay.

Hindi ko naman bibiguin ang Lola e, pero gusto kong siguruhing kapag dumating na ako sa puntong 'yun, wala akong panghihinayangan.

Dahil kaya ko.

Sisimulan ko sa hapon ang araw ko. Bakit hindi, kaninang umaga e nakadikit lang sa kama ang katawan ko. Ang lamig kasi sa Manila. Parang nasa Baguio lang ako. Pero nung bandang hapon, uminit ang araw.

Papunta ako sa lugar ng meeting namin para sa isang formation program para sa mga empleyado na niluluto ng opisina namin. Nakatabi ko sa jeep ang teacher ko sa MSEP (Musika, Sining, Edukasyong Pangkatawan), si Ma'am Christine Ornido (tanda ko pa sya bilang kamukha talaga niya ang isa kong tita). Nagkwento siya tungkol sa pagreretiro ng mga magagaling na teachers sa public school na pinasukan ko noong grade school. Wala na raw si Ma'am Tesoro (yung terror naming Science teacher), kakaretire lang daw. Principal na raw yung asawa niya sa ibang school, at siya patuloy pa rin ang pagtuturo sa grade school namin. Sabi niya, ibang-iba raw ang mga estudyante ngayon kaysa sa batch namin. Magaling daw talaga kami kumpara sa mga bata ngayon. Masyado raw kasing maikli ang attention span nila kumpara samin. Sabi ko naman, malaking bagay ang dedikasyon ng mga guro sa pagtuturo. Naalala ko noong panahon namin, pagkatapos ng morning session sa klase e may out-of-classroom sessions pa kami kasama ang mga teachers sa major subjects. Ngayon daw, parang tinatamad na ang mga bagong teachers.

Dun ko masasabing ang swerte ko dahil kabilang ako sa henerasyon ng masisipag na mga guro. Kung noon, halos manginig ako sa kasungitan ng ilan sa kanila, ngayon nagpapasalamat ako dahil ang pamamaraan nila sa pagtuturo ang nagpabuti sa landas na tinatahak ko. Naaalala ko, magagaling talaga ang mga naging guro ko, madalas silang makapag-train ng mga estudyanteng pang-regional ang kapasidad sa subject proficiency. Madalas kaming manalo sa mga district at division contests sa ilalim nila. Sa ngayon, halos negatibong lahat ang nakukuha kong feedback tungkol sa mga bagong guro at bagong henerasyon ng mga estudyante. Hindi ko maiwasang malungkot para sa alma mater ko.

Kaya nga inalala kong lalo ang bilin sa'kin ng paborito kong class adviser na pumanaw na, "Patunayan mong kaya mo, kasi alam kong kaya mo. Just be strong and be humble."

Patutunayan kong tama ang mga sinabi niya at ng mga naging guro ko tungkol sa akin. Sa ganitong paraan, magpapasalamat ako sa kanila.

Nag-igting ang kagustuhan kong ayusin ang mga pagkukulang na nagawa ko sa nakalipas na taon. May oras pa ko, at maraming umasa sa akin noon na kaya ko. 

Why you are beautiful

You’re beautiful because you’re stronger than anyone thought. I didn’t think you were at first. I expected the pain of your wrecked relationship to eat you alive. I expected you to burst into tears spontaneously every day for the next decade, stop washing your hair and only smile faintly when someone asked how you were doing. I thought you would still be wearing the ring alone in your apartment, self-medicating to the point where it was no longer a #whitegirlproblem but an actual problem. But you pushed through it. You’re happy and healthy now, and you refer to yourself as “I” rather than “we.” I couldn’t be prouder of you.

You’re beautiful because you take risks. You substituted “who cares” for “what if” and stopped talking into your beer about how you were going to do it and actually did it. You weren’t afraid to take a crazy stupid chance on your crazy stupid dreams, kind of like that chick in Eat Pray Love except you didn’t have to become an ashram-cleaning cliché to find yourself and didn’t leave me with popcorned fingers and a diminishing sense of pre-packaged optimism. You’re an inspiration and you’re real.

You’re beautiful because you just don’t give a damn. You don’t need everyone to like you, agree with you or approve of you to feel good about yourself. You know that “good enough” is subjective, and that more often than not the subject doesn’t really matter anyway. I know you’ll never wake up suddenly 45 and nowhere, half your time and potential wasted on following someone else’s idiot advice. That’s the kind of thing that gives me hope for myself.

You’re beautiful because you taught me something invaluable that I would never have come to know on my own. You taught me that there are some things love does not conquer — that you can love someone with all your heart and skin and organs and it will change completely nothing. You gave me a practical lesson: that a relationship cannot be carried by only one of its halves. You made me realize I am not special, and that’s important because I spent a good part of my life thinking I was. Assuming Keats was right and beauty is truth, you are beautiful.

You’re beautiful because you take pride in ironically showcasing that you’re not. You laugh at the silly standards of conventional beauty and elevate armpit hair, blue-veined pallor and Chucks held together by luck alone to a whole new level. You will never be the one to drop six grand on an anti-aging cream made from red algae and gorilla spit because when you’re eighty, you will be proud of the history that gave you those wrinkles. The thing is, you are absolutely stunning.

You’re beautiful because you’re brave. You know there’s more to life than measuring how long you have — you came face to face with your own mortality and turned to look the other way. Everyone knows cancer is a big deal but somehow it’s an even bigger deal when someone close to you gets it. You’re the one with the cancer but for some reason you still hold me when I cry. How you still manage to look miles better than most “healthy” people is beyond me.

You’re beautiful because you believe in things. Even when it’s easier to be cynical, skeptical, hyper-rational, you keep believing because you know believing in things is what makes them real. You’re beautiful for that reason, because you can do something lots of people can’t. I know I can’t. I admire you and sometimes I’m jealous.

You’re beautiful and you shouldn’t wait for someone else to tell you. You already know it, just see it.

taken from: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/why-youre-beautiful/