This line from me

I had a conversation with Mama while walking along San Isidro road in Libmanan, Camarines Sur last Wednesday. We landed on the issue of my cousins who got married with the wrong people (by wrong people, I mean those who are lazy and wouldn’t want to lift a finger in order to set their lives straight, and who in the process end up as burdens to my beloved cousins) or for the wrong reasons (by wrong reasons, I mean, those who married because they got pregnant or impregnated someone). The exchange went from something very factual to opinionated. 

I recall blabbering this line: I believe naman that love can sometimes be blind. Ok na ko sa love is blind, ‘wag lang love is crazy at love is stupid. I can’t take that. I’d rather be single for the rest of my life if I’d get a stupid man for a husband.

In my peripheral view, I think I saw Mama smiled.

-h

Reading signs

I used to think that God spoke to me through signs. For a long time in my life, I believed that He communicated with me through things and symbols. Pachelbel canon rang in the forthcoming connections with my first love, floods in my dreams connoted a problem in the family, disrupted schedules of activities with a special someone meant not-for-each-other, disinterest to show up to an event meant something wrong is going to happen, etc. etc.-- assumptions which, in retrospect, proved to be right.

But somewhere along my journey, I have gradually lost touch with my sign-reading capacity in certain important areas of life. 

While reading today's gospel, I felt that indeed, I now have difficulty decoding signs. Sometimes, God is already shouting His message to me, but I have gone deaf to them. These days, I tend to think about things my own way, relishing the new-found independence I've gotten from being a young professional. I have forgotten about my focal point-- His Love. Fear of rejection, fear of being out-of-control, fears conjured from bitter experiences all the more make me lose focus,  hence, my losing of the gift of reading signs from my Father. Something got me blinded-- myself.

And knowing this, from this point onward, I'll try to mend my blinded eyes by clearing away pride, fears, and false courage. I recognize that alone, I cannot make it. And that I have a Father God.

Two kids crossed the street this morning

They were holding hands. In my normal Ate mode, I would have freaked out at the fact that they're walking the street unguarded by their parents. But no, at that moment, what captured my unguarded attention was that those toddlers were holding hands while crossing the street, walking along with a number of strangers, including me.

The scenery evoked a smile on my lips, triggering an old memory.

I was in college then, homeward bound after a morning class. As I was walking along, I saw a very old couple, they seemed like they're already on their 90s, with their crooked spines, crossing the street, holding each other's hand as they trod the pavement with their trembling knees. For a while, my world halted to take a longer look at the beautiful , rather magical, scene in front of me. In that few minutes of watching the old couple walk from one side of the road to the other, a dream was born.

And that happened also, days before Valentine's.

Mag-asawa ka, ne

Ngayon ko lang ulit nakausap si Lola nang matagal. Naging sobrang hectic ang mga araw ko na hindi ko na siya halos nakakausap. Noong estudyante pa ako, tuwing hapon, kung wala akong inaaral, kinakausap ko si Lola. Ang bawat session kasama siya ay isang uri rin ng pagkatuto.

Ngayong bago mag-dapit-hapon, sabi niya sa'kin, "Mag-asawa ka, ne." Nag-umpisa 'yun nang sabihin kong ang dami kong pamangkin. Ang dami kong pwedeng alagaan. Akala siguro niya balak ko na talagang maging taga-alaga. Sabi niya mabuti raw ang may sariling anak dahil galing sa iyo yun, sariling dugo at laman. "Galing sa puso mo."

Gusto ko naman talagang mag-anak. Gusto ko naman talagang mag-asawa. "Lola, gusto ko pong magpamilya pero hindi pa ngayon." Sabi niya kaya ko na raw. Sabi ko oo, kaya ko, pero kelangan ko munang buuhin ang sarili ko. Pakiramdam ko ang dami ko pang gustong gawin na di ko magagawa kung magkaanak na ko. Gusto ko kapag nagkaanak na ko, sa kanya na lang umiikot ang mga pangarap ko. Magagawa ko yun kung tapos ko nang paikutin ang sarili ko sa sarili kong mga pangarap. Gusto ko buo ako kapag nagbuo ako ng sariling pamilya. Idealistic akong tao, oo, sa maraming aspekto. Siguro dahil lumaki ako sa hindi magagandang realidad ng buhay.

Hindi ko naman bibiguin ang Lola e, pero gusto kong siguruhing kapag dumating na ako sa puntong 'yun, wala akong panghihinayangan.

Dahil kaya ko.

Sisimulan ko sa hapon ang araw ko. Bakit hindi, kaninang umaga e nakadikit lang sa kama ang katawan ko. Ang lamig kasi sa Manila. Parang nasa Baguio lang ako. Pero nung bandang hapon, uminit ang araw.

Papunta ako sa lugar ng meeting namin para sa isang formation program para sa mga empleyado na niluluto ng opisina namin. Nakatabi ko sa jeep ang teacher ko sa MSEP (Musika, Sining, Edukasyong Pangkatawan), si Ma'am Christine Ornido (tanda ko pa sya bilang kamukha talaga niya ang isa kong tita). Nagkwento siya tungkol sa pagreretiro ng mga magagaling na teachers sa public school na pinasukan ko noong grade school. Wala na raw si Ma'am Tesoro (yung terror naming Science teacher), kakaretire lang daw. Principal na raw yung asawa niya sa ibang school, at siya patuloy pa rin ang pagtuturo sa grade school namin. Sabi niya, ibang-iba raw ang mga estudyante ngayon kaysa sa batch namin. Magaling daw talaga kami kumpara sa mga bata ngayon. Masyado raw kasing maikli ang attention span nila kumpara samin. Sabi ko naman, malaking bagay ang dedikasyon ng mga guro sa pagtuturo. Naalala ko noong panahon namin, pagkatapos ng morning session sa klase e may out-of-classroom sessions pa kami kasama ang mga teachers sa major subjects. Ngayon daw, parang tinatamad na ang mga bagong teachers.

Dun ko masasabing ang swerte ko dahil kabilang ako sa henerasyon ng masisipag na mga guro. Kung noon, halos manginig ako sa kasungitan ng ilan sa kanila, ngayon nagpapasalamat ako dahil ang pamamaraan nila sa pagtuturo ang nagpabuti sa landas na tinatahak ko. Naaalala ko, magagaling talaga ang mga naging guro ko, madalas silang makapag-train ng mga estudyanteng pang-regional ang kapasidad sa subject proficiency. Madalas kaming manalo sa mga district at division contests sa ilalim nila. Sa ngayon, halos negatibong lahat ang nakukuha kong feedback tungkol sa mga bagong guro at bagong henerasyon ng mga estudyante. Hindi ko maiwasang malungkot para sa alma mater ko.

Kaya nga inalala kong lalo ang bilin sa'kin ng paborito kong class adviser na pumanaw na, "Patunayan mong kaya mo, kasi alam kong kaya mo. Just be strong and be humble."

Patutunayan kong tama ang mga sinabi niya at ng mga naging guro ko tungkol sa akin. Sa ganitong paraan, magpapasalamat ako sa kanila.

Nag-igting ang kagustuhan kong ayusin ang mga pagkukulang na nagawa ko sa nakalipas na taon. May oras pa ko, at maraming umasa sa akin noon na kaya ko. 

What I cannot change

During last night's mass, Fr. Manny, our parish priest, delivered a very fitting homily regarding the power of Jesus to cast out demons. He started off with a story of a woman who was presumed to be possessed by a bad spirit, which he later found out as having been possessed with another "spirit". It turned out that the woman was having some sort of a nervous breakdown because she was hiding something from her parents-- her pregnancy. Fr. Manny shared this with the woman's parents who fortunately celebrated the coming of the baby into their family. The woman must have felt desperation and hopelessness in her situation, which led her to act as if she was being possessed. She thought her unwanted pregnancy would cause bitterness inside her family, but it turned out that her parents knew better.

Fr. Manny wrapped up the homily with the assurance that God is in control of our lives. And I know, He is.

As he was delivering his homily, I was introspecting, trying to connect the words he was saying to the thoughts and feelings in my heart. The voices around which claim my alone-ness are lying. My God is in control. I'm glad I cannot change that.

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish

This is the speech delivered by Steve Jobs (Apple Founder) during the 2005 Stanford University Commencement Exercise which always inspires me: 

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, it's likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope it's the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

(taken from http://news.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html)

Kaibigan

Nagbasa ako kanina ng paborito kong columnist. Topic niya ngayon ang tungkol sa halaga ng kaibigan sa buhay natin. Totoo namang mahalaga ang mga kaibigan at masasabi kong maswerte ako dahil marami akong kaibigan. Sabi nila, magkaroon ka lang raw ng limang matatapat na kaibigan, ok ka na. Ang swerte ko dahil lagpas pa doon ang meron ako, sa tingin ko.

Karamihan sa mga kaibigan ko madadaldal. Pero merong ilan na sobrang tahimik. Maingay man o hindi, mahalaga sila sa buhay ko. Sana, makasama ko sila kahit sa pagtanda ko. :)

--
Naaawa ako sa naiwang pamilya ni Iggy Arroyo. Ang gulo kasi ng sitwasyon nila.Hindi nila alam kung kanino mapupunta yung katawan niya. Hirap kasi ng higit pa sa isa ang napangasawa e. Malamang malakas ang laban nung Alicia Arroyo kasi siya ang legal wife. Kahit na mas minahal pa kamo ni Iggy si Grace, iba pa rin yung may pinanghahawakang papel. Ang sakit siguro noon. Alam mong mas minahal ka, pero hindi mo mapaglalaban yun. Kasi sa bandang huli, sa papel lang din naman nauuwi ang lahat. Hindi mo pwedeng sabihing mas minahal namin ang isa't-isa, sa akin siya naging masaya. Kasi hindi naman 'yun ang basehan kung kanino dapat mapunta ang isang taong patay na. May mga batas na umiiral na nilalagpasan ang pagkilos ng pag-ibig. Ganyan sa totoong mundo.

---
Pinag-iisipan ko nang husto ngayon kung magpapalit ba ako ng choice na law school. Naeengganyo na yata akong mag-Ateneo dahil sa ilang mga praktikal na kadahilanan. Pero kelangan kong timbangin nang husto. May oras pa ko para mag-isip. Tutal isang taon pa ko halos sa masters degree ko.

-h

May hinahanap akong kanta

Pelikula ang buhay, bawat eksena may background music.
Kahit katahimikan ay musika, kung makikinig ka lang.

Outrance

Kagabi nakausap ko sa telepono yung ideal boss ko. Inaya niya kong magsulat. Siyempre, gusto ko! Excited na akong magsimula ng bagong kabanata. Cliche na kung cliche pero totoo pala talaga ang mga cliche. Every ending marks a new beginning.

May natapos mang bahagi ng buhay ko, meron namang nagsisimula.

Minsan nasabi ng isang teacher sa Ateneo High School na maganda ang lobong de-patpat, pero mas gusto pa rin daw niya ang lobong de-tali. "Maganda nga ang lobong de-patpat pero hindi naman lumilipad."

Sa nakalipas na mga taon, pakiramdam ko lobong de-patpat ako. Maganda naman ang kinalalagyan ko pero hindi ko naman magawa ang gusto ko. Gusto ko yung mga ginagawa ko, pero hindi gustung-gusto. Tamang gusto lang.

Pero sabi nga ni Karen Kingsburry, "Life is too short for half-hearted connections and meaningless run-throughs." Napaikli ng buhay para makontento na lang sa kung anong nandyan.Kelangang sumugal ng tao hindi lang para maging masaya kundi para maging lubos na masaya. Kelangang sumubok ng tao para kuhanin ang pinakamakakapagbigay kahulugan sa buhay niya. Hindi lahat ng pagkakataon ay pagkakataong maging lubos ang kasiyahan kaya naman kapag dumating ang pagkakataong nagdadala nun, dapat lang na sumugal.

Alam kong tama ang desisyong gagawin ko.

Isang kahong lihim

Isang kahong liham 

na nakatambak sa isang gilid

ng buhay

Mga liham na isinulat

sa mga pasikdo-sikdong panahon

ng katapangang

hanggang papel lang

Kung mahanap ko man ang mga 

padadalhan

Hindi magkakaroon ng sariling paa

ang mga liham

patungo sa kanila

At ako

hindi maglalakas-loob

Aanhin pa ang katotohanang

Naiwan na ng panahon?

-h

Engineering life

My little brother is currently confounded about what he wants to be. We enrolled him at a private university in Manila as an engineering student. At first, everybody was excited and satisfied about his career choice, with Papa as the one in the apex level of both feelings. But just the other day, we were all rattled by my little brother’s admission that he’s having a hard time coping with math lessons. Math used to be his forte back in high school but for reasons like his professor being a bore and the subjects really mind-exhausting, he wanted to give up.

As expected, this shattered Papa’s dreams. He has always wanted to be an engineer and because he didn’t persevere in his studies, he lived with the hope that one of his children would end up pursuing his frustration. But apparently, he again ended up in frustration.

Had I wished to follow Papa’s whim, would he end up being disappointed too? I don’t know. I have followed my heart in choosing my career path. Communications has always been my first and true love. My parents and the whole clan know about that, and mine is the type of personality that can’t be dictated.

Not that my siblings’ were easily bendable either. Mama and Papa had certain expectations for us but never did they force upon us those expectations.

This made life somewhat like a huge puzzle that’s left for us to discover on our own. Our parents guide us with our decisions but mostly, everything progresses out of our independence. In a way, Mama and Papa entrusted us with values that serve as pennies we bring with us to survive the different stations of this world. They got us insured of these values grounded on their faith in God.

Maybe, right now, my parents are having difficulty stopping the urge to steer my brother’s life. I would understand if they get mad once in a while. Eventually, as they’ve done to me, they’d yield to my brother’s own destiny, again in full surrender.

Last night, I heard Ma instruct brother to bring our youngest sister to school. She told him to wake up early and make sure that Miles is clean and all made up by 11:30 in the morning. Before I left for work this morning, brother woke up and looked for Miles.

I wanted to hug him and tell him that things will be much clearer for him. And that no matter what he turns out to be, we’ll always love him.

In the End

When words of stones were thrown upon me, perpetrators heard not a single word from my mouth. Friends began to be divided into the real and the unreal. One thing that painful experience taught me was to be ever thankful and faithful to the real ones. Because as Martin Luther King, Jr. put it, "In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

Dahil wala akong tulog

Ang linggong ito ay walang tulugan. Gusto ko nang tumakbo papunta sa kama at maglakbay papuntang mundo ng mga panaginip! Pero pilit kong hinihila ang sarili ko sa direksyon ng realidad. Papers, projects, trabaho, eskwela, church activities, librong di matapos-tapos... at di masimu-simulang mga bagay. Naiipit na yata ako sa mabilis na gulong ng buhay. Pero masaya naman ang pakiramdam. Kailangan ko lang sigurong magdahan-dahan. E kung dahan-dahan kaya akong umuwi at matulog? :(

---

Namiss ko na ang matinong pagsusulat. Palagi ko na lang sinasabing namimiss ko na ang pagsusulat nitong mga nakalipas na, oo, taon. Magtatatlong taon na kong di nagsusulat nang matino. Namimiss ko na ang mga araw kung kailan parang kasing normal lang ng paghinga ang pagsusulat ng kung anu-ano para sa akin.

Ngayon, ang pagsusulat ay parang pagpipilit na magpatalbog ng mga bato-- matunog pero walang ritmo. Hinahanap ko ngayon ang dating ugnayan namin ng sinulat na salita. Ang tanong, mahanap ko pa kaya?

Isang Halik at Hanny Chocolate Bars

Natutulala. Ako’y natatawa sa mundo. Kahit anong saklap pala ng nakalipas na araw, tatawa at tatawa ka pa rin. Kasi maraming dahilan para ngumiti. Kahapon, hinalikan ako ni Papa sa pisngi. Hindi ko na mabilang ang taon kung kelan ako huling hinalikan ni Papa. Pagkatapos niya kong halikan, inutusan niya kong bumili ng Hanny sa katabi naming sari-sari store. Sumimangot ako sabay lakad papuntang tindahan.

Pagbalik ko sa bahay, inabot ko kay Papa yung pinabibili niyang tsokolate tapos dumiretso ako sa kusina. Binuksan ko yung ref tapos inilabas ko yung Blueeberry Cheesecake at Coffee Blum cake na pasalubong ko kila Mama galing Trigo Café. Sabay-sabay naming kinain yun nina Mama at Lyn sa sala.

“Napanaginipan daw ng Papa mo na buntis ka. Nakwento niya ba?” tanong ni Mama.

Natulala. Natulalang-natawa ako. Hello, immaculate conception. Paanong mangyayari yun, wala naman akong nakikilalang lalaki? Parang eksena lang sa new testament ang balitang yun ni Mama.

“Baka subconscions lang niya yun, Ma. Hidden desire. Kaso di pa pwede. 24 pa lang ako. Haha,” hirit ko.
Tapos naalala ko yung halik sa pisngi ko ni Papa. Napangiti ako. Ang Papa talaga.

Nung oras na yun, nakaupo si Papa sa bandang pintuan, nakaharap sa labas. Paborito niyang pwesto yun. Siguro gwardya siya nung mga nakalipas niyang buhay. Pero sa buhay niya ngayon, siya ang gwardya ko.
----
Kung bakit dyahe nang magsabi ng I love you ngayon, hindi ko alam. Pero, Pa, mahal kita. ♥

Enough!

Enough with emo stuff. Back to the real world where books and readings await my magical hands.

Falling

Knees tremble

heart falls

sweats 

break free 

fear 

falling 

paves way 

to escape

the loud placidity

of this plain salted life.

Ngayong gabi, nakilala ko si Kit

Mahiwaga raw ang bawat bagong pagkilala. Ngayong gabi, muli kong natuklasan ang katotohanang iyon. Nakilala ko si Kit. Isa siyang bulag na nagtitinda ng gulay sa umaga at balot sa gabi sa mga kalye ng lugar namin. Sa unang mga salitang sinabi niya ay napansin ko na ang pagka-matalino't bibo niya. Nalaman ko mula sa maikling pag-uusap namin sa gilid ng bahay ng kaibigan ko kung saan siya tumutuloy na galing pala siyang Bicol. Meron siyang 6 na kapatid na naiwan doon. Gusto niya silang kunin kung kaya't nagpupursige siya sa pagtatrabaho. Malapit si Kit sa simbahan. Aktibo siya sa mga samahan lalo na sa pagkanta at pag-aaral ng bibliya. Sa totoo lang, wala pa akong nakitang bulag na kasing-tingkad ng pagkatao niya. Simple at totoo. Mas totoo pa sa mga taong may paningin. Walang pigil niyang kinuwento ang mga pananaw niya sa buhay. Dalawa sa mga ito ay:

1. Kung may pera, wag nang magpatumpik-tumpik. Iinvest agad ito para lumago dahil mabilis mawala ang perang nasa kamay.

2. Huwag magdalawang-isip sa planong makabubuti sa iyo.

Higit sa lahat, nakita niya ang di nakikita ng ibang tao sa akin. Hinulaan niya ako. Ang sabi niya: Ituloy mo ang planong makabubuti sa iyo. Huwag mong ituloy kung di mo pinag-isipan. Huwag mong iiwan ang mga obligasyon mo dahil iyan ang makakapagpasaya sayo.

Eksakto. Ilang oras bago ko siya makausap, nag-mumuni-muni ako. Iiwan ko na ba ang ngayon? Malinaw ang sagot-- hindi pa oras. Simple lang, dahil masaya pa ako dito. Masaya pa ko dito dahil alam kong dito ako tinawag-- para maglingkod sa abot ng aking makakaya bilang bagong salta sa tunay na mundo. Dito, kung saan maraming paraan para lumago, maraming posibilidad para sumaya. Dito, malaya akong pumili ng mga gusto kong gawin na ayon sa tawag ng puso. Hindi kasing exciting marahil ng pag-akyat ng bundok o pagsisid sa pusod ng dagat, pero sing simple ng pagpasok sa buhay ng mga tao sa paligid ko para maging bahagi ng kanilang ngiti. 

Gusto ko uli siyang makasalamuha. Marami siyang maaaring ituro sa akin.

Happiness's pursuit of me

Hey, happiness keeps pursuing me. 

Girl Bestfriends

Hindi ko matandaan kung kelan ako nagsimulang mag-isa sa lahat ng lakad sa mga lugar na pinupuntahan ko. Ang alam ko kasi, sanay akong may kasama. Lumaki akong may kakambal. Iyon bang tinatawag na "bestfriend". Grade 1 pa lang ako, meron na akong madalas kasama, kasabay mag-recess, kasabay lumabas ng gate ng school, kasamang mag-Ten-Twenty, at kasamang nang-aaway sa mga sutil na mga kaklaseng lalaki. Madalas ko noong puntahan sa bahay nila si Gicel. Sinasamahan ko lang siyang kumuha ng tubig o kaya ng naiwang baon, tapos babalik na kami sa school kung saan naghihintay ang masungit naming teacher. Tuwing uwian, sabay kaming bibili ng kung anu-anong tinda sa labas ng gate. Mahilig siya sa ice scramble atsaka palamig. Sinasama niya ako sa tindahan ng Tita niya sa ibaba ng school at doon ay libre kaming makakainom ng palamig na iba't-iba ang kulay. Kay sarap!

Grade 3 kami nung nagsimulang dumalas ang pag-absent ni Gicel. Bihira na kong mag-Ten-Twenty dahil wala akong kakampi. Isang araw dumating ang Lola Gloria niya sa room namin, umiiyak. Nasa ospital raw ang kaibigan ko, patay na. 

Isang beses ko lang dinalaw si Gicel sa burol niya. Mukha pa rin siyang anghel. Inihatid siya ng buong klase sa huling hantungan niya. Hindi ako sumama.

Nagpatuloy ang buhay. Tuwing Undas, palagi kong isinusulat ang pangalan niya sa listahan ng mga patay na pinagdarasal ng buong pamilya.

May isang batang galing sa Section 2 ang lumipat sa section namin. Dahil Rances ang apelyido niya, sa table namin siya napabilang. Isang apelyido lang ang pagitan naming dalawa kaya halos magkatabi kami sa upuan. Nang malipat ang Santos sa kabilang section, tuluyan na kaming nagkatabi at mula noon ay di na naghiwalay. Sabay kaming kumain, maglaro, magbasa, at sumali sa choir na inatrasan ko dahil sinabihan akong boses ipis ng choir master. Iyon ang panahong alam ko na ang salitang bestfriend kaya minarkahan namin ang isa't-isa bilang matalik na magkaibigan. Maging ang una naming naging crush, mag-bestfriend.

Pinaghiwalay kami ng graduation. Napunta ako sa Roosevelt, siya sa NCBA. Nagsusulatan pa rin kami hanggang maging parehong busy sa sariling buhay-buhay. Huling kita namin ay noong 10th year reunion ng klase nung gradeschool. Hindi na kami tulad ng dati na di tatayo sa upuan kung wala ang isa. 

Isang bagong bestfriend ang natuklasan ko nung high school. "Natuklasan" dahil matagal ko na siyang kilala. Magkababata kami. Nagkataong sa school niya ako nag-enroll nung high school kaya napadalas na sabay kaming pumapasok at umuuwi. Di iilang pagkakataon din kaming napagkamalang magkambal. Siguro ay dahil pareho kami ng taas, kulay ng balat at haba ng buhok. Di kami umuuwi nang di kasama ang isa. Kung may PE naman ang isa, ay tagabitbit ng damit pauwi ang isa. Alam namin ang latest sa buhay ng isa't-isa. Alam ng mga kwarto namin ang aming mga teeny-bopper secrets. Ganun kami hanggang nung mga unang dalawang taon ng kolehiyo.

Isang araw, iba na ang tabas ng buhok niya. Napadalang na ang pagpunta namin sa bahay ng isa't-isa. Ilang taon ang lumipas at nagpunta na siya ng Hongkong. Hindi siya nagpaalam sakin. Biglaan daw kasi. Pero nag-uusap pa rin kami sa Facebook.

Kanina habang nasa jeep papuntang opisina, naalala ko ang mga bestfriends ko at kung gaano kabilis ang pagpapalit ng panahon. Ngayon, sanay na pala kong mag-isa. Pero gayunpaman, punong-puno ng mga kasiyahan at kwentong magbestfriends ang puso ko. Bahagi sila ng buhay kong di mabubura kailanman.