Living the Questions

For a couple of days, the Good Lord has been holding my hands amidst the river of uncertainties where my soul drifts. Many things have been going on inside my heart. For so many weeks, my mind has been tortured with illusions of hopes and frustrations. What if I fail? What if other people fail me? What if in the end, everything that I ever wanted was not really what the Lord wants for me? How will I cope when the time comes that I have to let go of even the littlest of my dreams? What if I won’t go to law school this coming school year? What if he does not return? What if the waiting is futile? How will I survive after this? Or am I going to survive it after all? Who will be with me in this journey? Am I really facing this battle alone with Christ? Then why am I fearful? Why do I doubt? Why do I ask questions? These are just some of the many questions that haunt me even in my sleep.

I try hard to wade through my young life with these questions that wake me up every morning and send me to sleep at night. I wonder if all young people go through this path of seemingly unending doubts and confusions. If so, it could be that this in itself is a natural process that makes a woman.

But this formation is exhaustive. It drains me of my energy and willpower. It maims my passion and questions my abilities. It weakens me like a burning candle. It prods me to vacate my current lake and move on to another safer surface. But I don’t want to be safe and live a life of only if’s.

I do not want to leave these questions. I want to live them. I believe that someday, I will find the answers. God will lead me safely to the shore. And in the ambiguities of my reaching that shore, I know God is sailing with me. Wherever He wants me to be, there I want to be.