I must go back to life

Go back to writing
Go back to reading
Go back to learning
Go back to walking
Go back to singing
Go back to me.

Pagbabalik

Nagbabago na ang mundo ko, sa paraang, oo, gusto ko. Didiretsuhin ko na. Iba ang buhay may-relasyon. Ang dami kong napapatunayan. Ang dami kong nadidiskubre.

Totoo pala talaga ang roller-coaster ride.  Minsan ang saya-saya. Minsan, nakakairita. Totoo palang parang drugs ang pag-ibig. Minsan nakaka-high, minsan nakakadepress.

RELAtibo pala ang lahat ng bagay sa isang relasyon, kaya siguro tinawag siyang RELAsyon una sa lahat. Nasa dalawang taong nasa relasyon kung paano nila iguguhit ang kanilang mundo. Walang pormula o anuman. Mananalig ka na lang sa Diyos na sana sapat ang pag-ibig ninyo sa isa't-isa para magpatuloy ang inyong pagpipinta.

-h

Roller Coaster

Ang buhay-pag-ibig pala parang pagsakay sa roller coaster, nakakahilo. May taas-baba, may liku-liko. Gusto ko nang bumaba sa byahe, pero nakakadena ang mga paa ko. Mahigpit pala kung kumapit ang puso.

-h

Sa isang tanong
napapalawig ko ang totoo
hanggang sa maging peke.
Magaling akong magsinungaling.
Palibahasa, di ka marunong magtanong.

-h

Ingay

Kurot.
Paglawig ng linya palayo.
Paglapit muli.
Hampas sa batok
Distansyang lumiliit sa bawat kislot.
Hawak.
Mas masarap kang katabi.
Kahit na kalahati ng panahon nag-aaway lang tayo.
Mas gusto ko pa rin ang ingay na gawa ng mga pag-aasaran natin
Kaysa ang katahimikang dala ng pagwawalang-bahala
Hindi ko man sabihin
alam kong alam mong
natatahimik ang puso ko
sa ingay nating dalawa.

-h

Fall in love, and stay in love

Nothing is more practical than
finding God, than
falling in Love
in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.
It will decide
what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you do with your evenings,
how you spend your weekends,
what you read, whom you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in Love, stay in love,
and it will decide everything.

-Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ

This line from me

I had a conversation with Mama while walking along San Isidro road in Libmanan, Camarines Sur last Wednesday. We landed on the issue of my cousins who got married with the wrong people (by wrong people, I mean those who are lazy and wouldn’t want to lift a finger in order to set their lives straight, and who in the process end up as burdens to my beloved cousins) or for the wrong reasons (by wrong reasons, I mean, those who married because they got pregnant or impregnated someone). The exchange went from something very factual to opinionated. 

I recall blabbering this line: I believe naman that love can sometimes be blind. Ok na ko sa love is blind, ‘wag lang love is crazy at love is stupid. I can’t take that. I’d rather be single for the rest of my life if I’d get a stupid man for a husband.

In my peripheral view, I think I saw Mama smiled.

-h

It is better to lose a few battles in order to fight for your dreams

A man was in a bar with his group, when an old friend entered. He had lived his life trying to go down the right path, but to no avail. “I should give him some money”, he thought to himself.

But the friend was now rich, and came to the bar that night just to pay all the debts he had incurred over the years. In addition to repaying the loans given to him, he ordered a round of drinks for everyone.

When asked how he had become so successful, he replied, that until days ago he was living as the “Other”.

“What is the Other?” asked Pilar.

“The Other believes that the obligation of man is to spend a lifetime thinking about how to have security so not to die of hunger when getting old. Therefore, living as the Other you fail to discover that Life also has plans, and they may be different.”

“But there is danger. And there is suffering”, the people said in the bar, who had begun to listen.

“No one escapes the suffering. So it is better to lose a few battles in order to fight for your dreams, then to be defeated without even knowing what you are fighting for. When I discovered this, I woke up determined to be what I always really wanted to be. The Other stood there in my room watching.
Although it sought to scare me sometimes, I did not allow it to return. From the moment I pushed the Other out of my life, the divine energy worked its miracles.”

in Paulo Coelho's book “By the river Piedra I sat down and wept”

Your love should never be offered

by Hafez

Love sometimes wants to do us a great favor: hold us upside down and shake all the nonsense out.

Your love
Should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger,
Only to someone who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you.

Stay close to any sounds that make you glad you are alive.

Ever since happiness heard your name, it has been running through the streets trying to find you.
I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in the darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.

There are different wells within your heart.
Some fill with each good rain,
Others are far too deep for that

Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions.

Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, “You owe me”

There is no pleasure without a tincture of bitterness.

Kaya mahal ko si Ebe

Kasi nilalapatan niya ng musika ang istorya ng buhay ko sa partikular na panahon. Nagsimula ko siyang makilala noong ako'y nasa kolehiyo sa UP. Sugarfree ang tugtog ng buhay-kolehiyo ko. Sila rin ang tugtog ng buhay-pag-ibig ko, noon, hanggang ngayon. At kahit wala na ang banda, buo pa rin ang musika sa tulong ni Ebe.

Tinutulungan ako ni Ebeng umawit sa gitna ng ulan.

power

“I kind of define power now by having the confidence to make your own decisions and not be swayed by other people. And be brave and fearless to know that even if you do make a wrong decision, you made it for a good reason.”
— Adele, photoshoot for Vogue, 2012

Honestly, I don't know if letting you go was a right or wrong decision for me. I was never given the chance to decide before I committed the act. The circumstances stopped me from weighing the pros and cons. You did not give me the luxury of time. You did not tell me you were leaving.

I'm not writing this because I want you to know about how I am thinking right now. That is the least of my concerns. I'm writing this because I want myself to know that it's fine if I made some life-changing actions without having thought about it. I'm writing this because I want to tell myself that it's ok to have risked letting go without actually knowing why. 

I have no idea if somewhere along I'd find out the answers. But one thing is sure,this life can't wait. I, too, have my own journey to continue.

But in case, just in case, you know, I won't be too far yet.

Reading signs

I used to think that God spoke to me through signs. For a long time in my life, I believed that He communicated with me through things and symbols. Pachelbel canon rang in the forthcoming connections with my first love, floods in my dreams connoted a problem in the family, disrupted schedules of activities with a special someone meant not-for-each-other, disinterest to show up to an event meant something wrong is going to happen, etc. etc.-- assumptions which, in retrospect, proved to be right.

But somewhere along my journey, I have gradually lost touch with my sign-reading capacity in certain important areas of life. 

While reading today's gospel, I felt that indeed, I now have difficulty decoding signs. Sometimes, God is already shouting His message to me, but I have gone deaf to them. These days, I tend to think about things my own way, relishing the new-found independence I've gotten from being a young professional. I have forgotten about my focal point-- His Love. Fear of rejection, fear of being out-of-control, fears conjured from bitter experiences all the more make me lose focus,  hence, my losing of the gift of reading signs from my Father. Something got me blinded-- myself.

And knowing this, from this point onward, I'll try to mend my blinded eyes by clearing away pride, fears, and false courage. I recognize that alone, I cannot make it. And that I have a Father God.

Two kids crossed the street this morning

They were holding hands. In my normal Ate mode, I would have freaked out at the fact that they're walking the street unguarded by their parents. But no, at that moment, what captured my unguarded attention was that those toddlers were holding hands while crossing the street, walking along with a number of strangers, including me.

The scenery evoked a smile on my lips, triggering an old memory.

I was in college then, homeward bound after a morning class. As I was walking along, I saw a very old couple, they seemed like they're already on their 90s, with their crooked spines, crossing the street, holding each other's hand as they trod the pavement with their trembling knees. For a while, my world halted to take a longer look at the beautiful , rather magical, scene in front of me. In that few minutes of watching the old couple walk from one side of the road to the other, a dream was born.

And that happened also, days before Valentine's.

Just because

There are words that I say just because.

Like I feel cold right now, it must be the aircon in my room.

There are words that I write because they're meant to be read.

Like yesterday, I spent time with great young people

and realized that each youth has a reservoir of power within her, waiting to be tapped.

There are words that I can't say just because saying them gives them life.

Like I know that I can't bring back time, only memory

which also is bound to leave

There are words that are just born, they can't stand by themselves.

Like I miss you.

-h

--

In the mode of missing old friends. See, I'm not really a good friend-keeper. Just today, I got a call from my close girl-friend. We were supposed to meet and catch up tonight, but then my bad, I forgot to tell her earlier that I have a meeting scheduled tonight. So I ended up pleading (for the nth time) to move our dinner to another date. Priorities. I know my relationships are more important than the tasks I have in this world. But then, this forgetful mind of mine. I feel so guilty. I know if I continue walking along this line of prioritizing tasks over people, I'd be alone in the end. Urgh, Hilda! Wake up, sleepy head! T_T


--
Saw this in my file storage:


Sa(d)yang tinanggihan ko ang alok mo
Noon sa Bao Park
Kung iba ang sinabi ko
Nadagdagan sana (nga) ang kaunting mga sandali
Ng Burger McDo at French Fries
Ng mahabang lakaran at tawanan
Papunta sa boarding house ko
Kung saan naghihintay ang dilaw na sofa

Sa(d)yang nanaig ang pride ko
Kaya di ko na natikman ang kakaibang lasa
Ng fried lumpia ng Jollibee
Kapag kasabay kitang ngumunguya

Sa(d)yang kinabig ko na parang isang baso
Ng Regular Coke ng McDo
ang sa(d)yang dala sana ng
Kaunting mga saglit.

-h, Sa(d)ya
19 April 2011

Mag-asawa ka, ne

Ngayon ko lang ulit nakausap si Lola nang matagal. Naging sobrang hectic ang mga araw ko na hindi ko na siya halos nakakausap. Noong estudyante pa ako, tuwing hapon, kung wala akong inaaral, kinakausap ko si Lola. Ang bawat session kasama siya ay isang uri rin ng pagkatuto.

Ngayong bago mag-dapit-hapon, sabi niya sa'kin, "Mag-asawa ka, ne." Nag-umpisa 'yun nang sabihin kong ang dami kong pamangkin. Ang dami kong pwedeng alagaan. Akala siguro niya balak ko na talagang maging taga-alaga. Sabi niya mabuti raw ang may sariling anak dahil galing sa iyo yun, sariling dugo at laman. "Galing sa puso mo."

Gusto ko naman talagang mag-anak. Gusto ko naman talagang mag-asawa. "Lola, gusto ko pong magpamilya pero hindi pa ngayon." Sabi niya kaya ko na raw. Sabi ko oo, kaya ko, pero kelangan ko munang buuhin ang sarili ko. Pakiramdam ko ang dami ko pang gustong gawin na di ko magagawa kung magkaanak na ko. Gusto ko kapag nagkaanak na ko, sa kanya na lang umiikot ang mga pangarap ko. Magagawa ko yun kung tapos ko nang paikutin ang sarili ko sa sarili kong mga pangarap. Gusto ko buo ako kapag nagbuo ako ng sariling pamilya. Idealistic akong tao, oo, sa maraming aspekto. Siguro dahil lumaki ako sa hindi magagandang realidad ng buhay.

Hindi ko naman bibiguin ang Lola e, pero gusto kong siguruhing kapag dumating na ako sa puntong 'yun, wala akong panghihinayangan.

Dahil kaya ko.

Sisimulan ko sa hapon ang araw ko. Bakit hindi, kaninang umaga e nakadikit lang sa kama ang katawan ko. Ang lamig kasi sa Manila. Parang nasa Baguio lang ako. Pero nung bandang hapon, uminit ang araw.

Papunta ako sa lugar ng meeting namin para sa isang formation program para sa mga empleyado na niluluto ng opisina namin. Nakatabi ko sa jeep ang teacher ko sa MSEP (Musika, Sining, Edukasyong Pangkatawan), si Ma'am Christine Ornido (tanda ko pa sya bilang kamukha talaga niya ang isa kong tita). Nagkwento siya tungkol sa pagreretiro ng mga magagaling na teachers sa public school na pinasukan ko noong grade school. Wala na raw si Ma'am Tesoro (yung terror naming Science teacher), kakaretire lang daw. Principal na raw yung asawa niya sa ibang school, at siya patuloy pa rin ang pagtuturo sa grade school namin. Sabi niya, ibang-iba raw ang mga estudyante ngayon kaysa sa batch namin. Magaling daw talaga kami kumpara sa mga bata ngayon. Masyado raw kasing maikli ang attention span nila kumpara samin. Sabi ko naman, malaking bagay ang dedikasyon ng mga guro sa pagtuturo. Naalala ko noong panahon namin, pagkatapos ng morning session sa klase e may out-of-classroom sessions pa kami kasama ang mga teachers sa major subjects. Ngayon daw, parang tinatamad na ang mga bagong teachers.

Dun ko masasabing ang swerte ko dahil kabilang ako sa henerasyon ng masisipag na mga guro. Kung noon, halos manginig ako sa kasungitan ng ilan sa kanila, ngayon nagpapasalamat ako dahil ang pamamaraan nila sa pagtuturo ang nagpabuti sa landas na tinatahak ko. Naaalala ko, magagaling talaga ang mga naging guro ko, madalas silang makapag-train ng mga estudyanteng pang-regional ang kapasidad sa subject proficiency. Madalas kaming manalo sa mga district at division contests sa ilalim nila. Sa ngayon, halos negatibong lahat ang nakukuha kong feedback tungkol sa mga bagong guro at bagong henerasyon ng mga estudyante. Hindi ko maiwasang malungkot para sa alma mater ko.

Kaya nga inalala kong lalo ang bilin sa'kin ng paborito kong class adviser na pumanaw na, "Patunayan mong kaya mo, kasi alam kong kaya mo. Just be strong and be humble."

Patutunayan kong tama ang mga sinabi niya at ng mga naging guro ko tungkol sa akin. Sa ganitong paraan, magpapasalamat ako sa kanila.

Nag-igting ang kagustuhan kong ayusin ang mga pagkukulang na nagawa ko sa nakalipas na taon. May oras pa ko, at maraming umasa sa akin noon na kaya ko. 

Why you are beautiful

You’re beautiful because you’re stronger than anyone thought. I didn’t think you were at first. I expected the pain of your wrecked relationship to eat you alive. I expected you to burst into tears spontaneously every day for the next decade, stop washing your hair and only smile faintly when someone asked how you were doing. I thought you would still be wearing the ring alone in your apartment, self-medicating to the point where it was no longer a #whitegirlproblem but an actual problem. But you pushed through it. You’re happy and healthy now, and you refer to yourself as “I” rather than “we.” I couldn’t be prouder of you.

You’re beautiful because you take risks. You substituted “who cares” for “what if” and stopped talking into your beer about how you were going to do it and actually did it. You weren’t afraid to take a crazy stupid chance on your crazy stupid dreams, kind of like that chick in Eat Pray Love except you didn’t have to become an ashram-cleaning cliché to find yourself and didn’t leave me with popcorned fingers and a diminishing sense of pre-packaged optimism. You’re an inspiration and you’re real.

You’re beautiful because you just don’t give a damn. You don’t need everyone to like you, agree with you or approve of you to feel good about yourself. You know that “good enough” is subjective, and that more often than not the subject doesn’t really matter anyway. I know you’ll never wake up suddenly 45 and nowhere, half your time and potential wasted on following someone else’s idiot advice. That’s the kind of thing that gives me hope for myself.

You’re beautiful because you taught me something invaluable that I would never have come to know on my own. You taught me that there are some things love does not conquer — that you can love someone with all your heart and skin and organs and it will change completely nothing. You gave me a practical lesson: that a relationship cannot be carried by only one of its halves. You made me realize I am not special, and that’s important because I spent a good part of my life thinking I was. Assuming Keats was right and beauty is truth, you are beautiful.

You’re beautiful because you take pride in ironically showcasing that you’re not. You laugh at the silly standards of conventional beauty and elevate armpit hair, blue-veined pallor and Chucks held together by luck alone to a whole new level. You will never be the one to drop six grand on an anti-aging cream made from red algae and gorilla spit because when you’re eighty, you will be proud of the history that gave you those wrinkles. The thing is, you are absolutely stunning.

You’re beautiful because you’re brave. You know there’s more to life than measuring how long you have — you came face to face with your own mortality and turned to look the other way. Everyone knows cancer is a big deal but somehow it’s an even bigger deal when someone close to you gets it. You’re the one with the cancer but for some reason you still hold me when I cry. How you still manage to look miles better than most “healthy” people is beyond me.

You’re beautiful because you believe in things. Even when it’s easier to be cynical, skeptical, hyper-rational, you keep believing because you know believing in things is what makes them real. You’re beautiful for that reason, because you can do something lots of people can’t. I know I can’t. I admire you and sometimes I’m jealous.

You’re beautiful and you shouldn’t wait for someone else to tell you. You already know it, just see it.

taken from: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/why-youre-beautiful/

What I cannot change

During last night's mass, Fr. Manny, our parish priest, delivered a very fitting homily regarding the power of Jesus to cast out demons. He started off with a story of a woman who was presumed to be possessed by a bad spirit, which he later found out as having been possessed with another "spirit". It turned out that the woman was having some sort of a nervous breakdown because she was hiding something from her parents-- her pregnancy. Fr. Manny shared this with the woman's parents who fortunately celebrated the coming of the baby into their family. The woman must have felt desperation and hopelessness in her situation, which led her to act as if she was being possessed. She thought her unwanted pregnancy would cause bitterness inside her family, but it turned out that her parents knew better.

Fr. Manny wrapped up the homily with the assurance that God is in control of our lives. And I know, He is.

As he was delivering his homily, I was introspecting, trying to connect the words he was saying to the thoughts and feelings in my heart. The voices around which claim my alone-ness are lying. My God is in control. I'm glad I cannot change that.

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish

This is the speech delivered by Steve Jobs (Apple Founder) during the 2005 Stanford University Commencement Exercise which always inspires me: 

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, it's likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope it's the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

(taken from http://news.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html)

Kaibigan

Nagbasa ako kanina ng paborito kong columnist. Topic niya ngayon ang tungkol sa halaga ng kaibigan sa buhay natin. Totoo namang mahalaga ang mga kaibigan at masasabi kong maswerte ako dahil marami akong kaibigan. Sabi nila, magkaroon ka lang raw ng limang matatapat na kaibigan, ok ka na. Ang swerte ko dahil lagpas pa doon ang meron ako, sa tingin ko.

Karamihan sa mga kaibigan ko madadaldal. Pero merong ilan na sobrang tahimik. Maingay man o hindi, mahalaga sila sa buhay ko. Sana, makasama ko sila kahit sa pagtanda ko. :)

--
Naaawa ako sa naiwang pamilya ni Iggy Arroyo. Ang gulo kasi ng sitwasyon nila.Hindi nila alam kung kanino mapupunta yung katawan niya. Hirap kasi ng higit pa sa isa ang napangasawa e. Malamang malakas ang laban nung Alicia Arroyo kasi siya ang legal wife. Kahit na mas minahal pa kamo ni Iggy si Grace, iba pa rin yung may pinanghahawakang papel. Ang sakit siguro noon. Alam mong mas minahal ka, pero hindi mo mapaglalaban yun. Kasi sa bandang huli, sa papel lang din naman nauuwi ang lahat. Hindi mo pwedeng sabihing mas minahal namin ang isa't-isa, sa akin siya naging masaya. Kasi hindi naman 'yun ang basehan kung kanino dapat mapunta ang isang taong patay na. May mga batas na umiiral na nilalagpasan ang pagkilos ng pag-ibig. Ganyan sa totoong mundo.

---
Pinag-iisipan ko nang husto ngayon kung magpapalit ba ako ng choice na law school. Naeengganyo na yata akong mag-Ateneo dahil sa ilang mga praktikal na kadahilanan. Pero kelangan kong timbangin nang husto. May oras pa ko para mag-isip. Tutal isang taon pa ko halos sa masters degree ko.

-h

Habang nagsesepilyo kaninang umaga, naisip ko

Huwag mong hayaang hawakan ng ibang tao ang spirit mo. Oo, fair lang na ibahagi ang sarili mo sa isang taong nakakapagpasaya sa’yo. Ibigay mo sa kanya ang puso mo, pero huwag ang buo mong pagkatao. Para kapag umalis siya, masaktan ka man, umiyak ka man, hindi ka mababawasan. Oo, may kulang kang mararamdaman, pero ang pagkatao mo, ang values mo, in-tact pa rin. 

Huwag kang magmumukhang kawawa. Huwag kang magpapaawa. Dahil mas malaki ang halaga mo kaysa sa pag-ibig na iniwan niya sa’yo. Tandaan mo ‘yan.

At huwag mong kalilimutang mag-floss pagkatapos magsepilyo. 

-h

Dear Mr. Kupido

Nag-archery training ka ba talaga?
Nagtataka ako sa'yo e.
Madalas kang dumaplis.
Kahit si Anne Curtis, napakanta mo.
Walang-hiya ka raw at nasira ang schedule niya.
Same here.

-h

Ano na?

Nakakamiss rin pala yung may kaaway.

May hinahanap akong kanta

Pelikula ang buhay, bawat eksena may background music.
Kahit katahimikan ay musika, kung makikinig ka lang.

Outrance

Kagabi nakausap ko sa telepono yung ideal boss ko. Inaya niya kong magsulat. Siyempre, gusto ko! Excited na akong magsimula ng bagong kabanata. Cliche na kung cliche pero totoo pala talaga ang mga cliche. Every ending marks a new beginning.

May natapos mang bahagi ng buhay ko, meron namang nagsisimula.

Minsan nasabi ng isang teacher sa Ateneo High School na maganda ang lobong de-patpat, pero mas gusto pa rin daw niya ang lobong de-tali. "Maganda nga ang lobong de-patpat pero hindi naman lumilipad."

Sa nakalipas na mga taon, pakiramdam ko lobong de-patpat ako. Maganda naman ang kinalalagyan ko pero hindi ko naman magawa ang gusto ko. Gusto ko yung mga ginagawa ko, pero hindi gustung-gusto. Tamang gusto lang.

Pero sabi nga ni Karen Kingsburry, "Life is too short for half-hearted connections and meaningless run-throughs." Napaikli ng buhay para makontento na lang sa kung anong nandyan.Kelangang sumugal ng tao hindi lang para maging masaya kundi para maging lubos na masaya. Kelangang sumubok ng tao para kuhanin ang pinakamakakapagbigay kahulugan sa buhay niya. Hindi lahat ng pagkakataon ay pagkakataong maging lubos ang kasiyahan kaya naman kapag dumating ang pagkakataong nagdadala nun, dapat lang na sumugal.

Alam kong tama ang desisyong gagawin ko.

Because today, I've no words to say

Samal Island, 2008

Bantay-Bata ang eksena

Ginagamit siguro talaga ng Diyos yung mga problema at sakit para lalo akong mapalapit sa kanya. Hindi naman siguro siya sadista o anuman, pero sa tingin ko mayroong kakaiba sa sakit na nakakapagpalapit sa akin sa Kanya. Parang bata, kapag natatakot, lalong humihigpit ang kapit sa kamay ng kasamang matanda. Hindi naman kagagawan ng matanda na mapunta sa nakakatakot na lugar ang batang inaalagaan niya. Hinahayaan lang niyang magliwaliw ang bata sa malaking parke tapos kapag nakakita ng nakakatakot na anuman yung bata, tatakbo siya palapit sa bantay niya. Ang Diyos ang bantay, mabait na nakatunghay sa akin. Ako ang bata--- nagliliwaliw. Sa mga oras ng takot at dilim, alam lang niyang sa kanya ako babalik. Pwedeng bukas pag-ibis ng takot, aalis ulit ako para maglaro. Pero nandyan lang Siya, hindi umaalis.

On loving

Below is something I said to a friend via private message last year. In the conversation, he was asking me whether I was in love.

• • Hindi ko alam. Mas malalim na pag-iisip ang kelangan diyan. Kapag sinabi mong gusto mo ang isang tao, inaamin mo na may mga bagay sa pagkatao nya na kinagigiliwan mo. Pero kapag sinabi mong na-in-love ka na sa isang tao, ibig sabihin nun pinagkasundo mo na yung puso at isip mo sa isang desisyon na pwedeng magpabago ng buhay mo. Napakalaking bagay ng pagiging in-love.  Sa ngayon, hindi ko pa masasabing niyakap ko na ang napakalaking (at napakagandang) bagay na yan. Marami pa kong kakaining bigas. At ayokong mabulunan. 

To My Extraordinary Lover

Your extraordinary love keeps me sane these days. It's your love that keeps me moving forward, even if deep within, I want to stop and sob. It's your hand that holds mine so I may continue creating my own path, the one that you desired for me from the beginning, way before I've known happiness and pain.

In family and friends, in dreams and works, in realities and possibilities, you never fail to make your presence known. So even if the ground below shakes, and I don't know which step to take, my heart is at rest because you are with me.

May your extraordinary love take me to where I should be.

-h

Don't touch my hand and call it love

No, I'm not pertaining to anyone upon hearing this song. Don't feel guilty. This is not about you.

In pursuit of a map

I am struggling to find something these days. That something I don't know what but when I find it, I'd know. It may read weird, but that's how I describe it in my head. You know that feeling of wanting something you don't know yet? That's what's been lingering in my head lately.

I feel a sense of restlessness, of wanting to go to someplace else in pursuit of something. Perhaps satisfaction? Because most of the things on my lap right now are dissatisfying? Perhaps answers? because what people give are just cues to them? Perhaps courage? Because I am no longer sure where I want to go? I have this vague idea of where I want to be in life but I don't know how to get there. And that sense of not knowing frightens me.

Or do I have to go someplace else to see these things? Can old folks be lying when they say that things I need in life already lie within me, in a reservoir of light waiting to be tapped? If so, is there a map to go within me so I can finally access it? Or should I just rely on trickles and glimpses of that light?

I'm clueless, restless, in a breathless mode of unknowingly wanting. But I'm moving, walking towards somewhere.

---

For this week, the theme is finding lost things and lost selves. Replays.

This is the thing

This is the thing: When you hit 28 or 30, everything begins to divide. You can see very clearly two kinds of people. On one side, people who have used their 20s to learn and grow, to find … themselves and their dreams, people who know what works and what doesn’t, who have pushed through to become real live adults. Then there’s the other kind, who are hanging onto college, or high school even, with all their might. They’ve stayed in jobs they hate, because they’re too scared to get another one. They’ve stayed with men or women who are good but not great, because they don’t want to be lonely. … they mean to develop intimate friendships, they mean to stop drinking like life is one big frat party. But they don’t do those things, so they live in an extended adolescence, no closer to adulthood than when they graduated.

Don’t be like that. Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal.

Ask yourself some good questions like: “Am I proud of the life I’m living? What have I tried this month? … Do the people I’m spending time with give me life, or make me feel small? Is there any brokenness in my life that’s keeping me from moving forward?”

Taken from: http://m.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/25956-11-things-to-know-at-25ish?start=1

Ang Dining Table.Bow.

Sa PPC planning and evaluation kagabi, habang naghahapunan, napag-usapan ang isyu ng pag-aasawa. Bagong kasal yung nasa harap ko, sina Kuya Gerry at Ate Sweet, sa gilid ko, si Tito Gary, yung isang church leader namin na matagal nang may-asawa, at isang pari, si Fr. Ferdi.

Pinansin ni Father ang magkatabing bagong-kasal.
Father: Ganyan talaga kapag bagong kasal, di mapaghiwalay. Pero paglipas ng panahon, 'Doon ka, dito ako." (Sabay tawa at tingin sa'kin.) Ikaw ba, may asawa ka na?
Ako: Wala pa po.
Father: Sayang naman ang ganda mo. Ano'ng sabi ng boyfriend mo at di ka pa niya pinakakasalan?
Kuya Gerry: Mali po yung tanong, Father. Dapat, bakit wala kang boyfriend?
Father: Wala kang boyfriend? E di lalong sayang ang ganda mo!

Ngumiti lang ako at tinuloy ko lang ang pagkain.

Maya-maya, kinuwento ni Tito Gary na nung bagong kasal daw sila, wala silang dining table. Lumabas siya ng bahay para maghanap, nang makita niya ang isang bagong-sarang restaurant. Pumasok siya sa loob, at bumili ng isang maliit na dining table.Yun ang naging dining table nila ng asawa niya.

Father: Ang cute! (Sabay tingin sa akin.) Ikaw ba, hindi nangangarap ng ganun?
Ako: Ng dining table po?

Napuno ng tawanan ang hapag.

Makalipas ang ilang sandali, tumayo na si Mama mula sa kabilang table para ayain na akong umuwi.
Father: Kaya naman hindi magka-boyfriend ang anak mo, palagi kang nasa likod.
Mama: May oras para diyan, Father.
Father: Sayang naman ang ganda niya. E di sana ay napamana na niya ang gandang 'yan.

Ang weird dahil kasama ni Mama ang mga amiga niya ng oras na 'yun. At sumasabay rin sa pagsasabing maaga pa para sa pag-aasawa.

Ang cute ng mga matatanda. :)

Chill lang kayo, darating din tayo diyan. Mag-eenjoy muna ko sa dining table, mukhang marami pa akong kwentong gustong marinig habang nagsisimula ako ng sariling dining table tale.

Susubukan ko ulit ngayong araw

Susubukan ko ulit na ayusin ang buhay ko. Malaki-laking trabaho ito, alam ko. Marami akong napabayaang mahahalagang bagay. Mabuti na lang nagising ako ngayong umaga, pwede pa kong bumawi.

Kaninang umaga, paggising ko, nakita ko agad yung baby kong pamangkin. Naisip ko, ang bawat araw ay bago para sa kanya. Hindi siya nag-iisip ng mga nangyari kahapon at nagsisisi sa mga nakalipas na pagkakamali. Nabubuhay siya nang bago sa bawat araw. Susubukan ko 'yun ngayon. Itutuloy ko ang mga kailangang simulan at tatapusin ang mga kailangang tapusin, at higit sa lahat, magsisimula ng mga bagong simula.

Susubukan ko ulit ngayong araw.

A new year for the PYM

We'll be having the first core team meeting for the youth ministry of our church this Friday. I can't wait to get the balls rolling for this year with the rest of the team. We have done quite well last year and with the dedication each of us has, I'm pretty sure we'll make it again this year.

Sta. Maria della Strada PYM made it in the last three years, it will in the years to come. I'm sure of that. AMDG.

Good morning, beautiful.

I start the day with Brad Paisley, my favorite country singer. Hopefully, this day turns out beautiful for me. :)

On the top of my head, I still recall the tea talk we had with a Jesuit priest yesterday, he has the ability to read someone's eyes. He looked into my eyes and said, "In your eyes I see work, work, work. You're in a work phase." I smiled and nodded. Then he added, "I can't see the bedrock happiness. Or you must be tired?" I held my breath for a while.

The old Jesuit priest was right.

Still, I say, "Good morning, beautiful."

This is not a New Year post. This post brings with it last year's feelings dragged on to the changing of the calendar. I freakin' miss you.